i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
