ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
