I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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