oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
