i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
