the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
