My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
