the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
