It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
