If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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