omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
