just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
