I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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