My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
