Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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