the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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