Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I enjoy the company of your penis
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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