just come out here and I will go home with you...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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