i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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