I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
