I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
