I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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