You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
