forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
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I just blew my weed a kiss
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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