It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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