I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
