If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
