My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
