your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
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I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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