How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
