Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
