The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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