Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
