So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
