I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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