I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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