i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
