Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
