From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This is classic penis vs brain.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
