Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Edward fifth and chaser hands
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
