Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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