just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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