I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
