My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
