i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
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I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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