Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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