Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
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The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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