I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Who died my cat blue again?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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