I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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