Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Barsexuality is the new black.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
