If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
