im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
