I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
