i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Boobs speak an international language.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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