You smell like stripper and shame
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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