you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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