2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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